4 years on.... ✅

Steve died in December 2019. The life I knew so well was over forever. At one point I even  feared I might die myself from sheer sadness. This lasted longer than I ever imagined .  

So here I am  December 2024, having experienced such terrible Down Days I'm really excited to find the recent Up Days have bought me pure joy; The kind of joy I believed was over forever.

How did it happen? Well there are 12 things I make sure I do 

1. Every day for one hour I put my trainers on, give myself a high five in the mirror then  run or lift weights. Sometimes it's difficult especially if I have my face in the wind, my feet in the mud and get home  hurting with wet frizzy hair.                    
2. Once a week I  meet up with a friend, relative or neighbour for an hour.
3. Once a month go to church and pray,  God listens to my whinging and moans but says nothing!  
4. Every day I make myself one meal that has as many bright colours as possible , clean food such as vegetables makes me feel like I’m trying to take care of myself. I have flowers on the table.
5. Gin is  very nice …  Very very nice! I have chosen to NOT become an alcoholic widow. Working as a driver restricts my drinking to once a week 
6. Each day I take a photo of something that makes me smile. 
7. I speak to Steve when I need to. I have a lovely picture of him on the wall. I sometimes shout at him if I'm frustrated.  He’s used to being blamed for things.  I don’t disappoint him by changing . 
8. I cherish my sad days as much as my happy days   … being alive is being alive.
9. Each day I lift weights for 10 minutes and meditate or do yoga for 30 mins.
10. Family and friends time is important, a game like connect 4 , a jigsaw puzzle, or a film, brings us together. If no people are around playing with the dog is great too. 
11. Personal time listening to music or reading a great book  is also a good distractor.  I highly recommend Dostoevsky's Crime and Punishment read by Don Warrington, 
12. Finally I always journal at bedtime. I make plans for the future it doesn't matter if I'll achieve them or not. 

The most important thing is Knowing that no feeling is final!  Everything  passes. Sadness when left alone vanishes and is replaced by memories.  I suddenly realised I have feelings because I'm alive and that’s better than the alternative. I plan to be here for a long time .