Covid 19 and Bereavement

Bereavement is always devastating  but in the midst of a national lock-down due to a global pandemic things have proven to be far more difficult than I could ever imagine.

The shock of the sudden change from having a high maintenance poorly husband and a house full of carers at home to suddenly being  completely alone in an empty house, no visitors allowed straight after his death is indescribable.

As 'a lone' person, I was permitted to form a bubble with one other household. Our kids are both married and have their own families so that's 2 households  and 2 bubbles are not allowed!  

In normal times family and friends join together  to support each other in the period  running up to and straight after a death.  Our son, daughter and their partners were all amazing.  I'll be forever grateful but that heart-breaking 'Bubble' choice meant  I was forced by law  to choose between our son and our daughter. To me this was cruel to all of us  and it significantly added to my stress and feelings of loss.

 Steve was their dad, they were distraught, I was distraught, the grandsons who helped care for him with us were distraught. These rules later broken by those who made and imposed them meant one family couldn't visit me for goodness know how long. Hugs were banned. For the government to inflict draconian rules  making us  live through the pain of loss with no hugs or contact to comfort each other was despicable.  

Our son had Power of Attorney over Steve’s financial affairs and a modest  funeral of some description had to be arranged.  There were complex financial issues due to Steve's sudden loss of capacity at the start of his illness. There were also administrative formalities to deal with despite registry offices and other necessary organisations all being closed . Hence our son became the chosen one initially! This was so hard on our daughter who cared for and was so close to her dad and needed a cuddle from her her mum. To me it was a double blow not being allowed to give nor receive support from our daughter having just lost my husband. She'd  been totally involved in his personal care, including washing and dressing her dad immediately after he died. She was allowed to see him up until the day he died I'm grateful for that but only because we paid her to be one of his carers so she could legally come and see him,  The ridiculously complex rules meant I had to have 10 days  alone seeing absolutely nobody so we could do a bubble swap  after the funeral. We were allowed 30 people at the funeral. Nobody was allowed to hug, touch or even get close enough to each other to have a conversation. We were not allowed to meet together after the small funeral either.  I had  several periods of seeing nobody  at all for 10 days just so I could see our son and daughter. During these times I couldn't  eat, sleep or function at all. Within a month  I became  run down and ill. This was from lack of sleep and no food. I didn't have the motivation to cook so existed on a diet of gin and jelly beans for about 8 weeks. Not healthy I know but I was not rational at all as I was beside myself with  loneliness, grief and total exhaustion.

No having all my family around made grieving so much more painful than I could ever imagine. I am not a person who enjoys being alone at the best of times. I just couldn't get my act together emotionally nor administratively. The NHS pensions people lost my original  marriage certificate. Originals had to be  sent as  no shops or offices were open to get photocopies done. A three month investigation into how they could lose everything resulted in them saying "it's  due to Covid" Paper work was being sent to the homes of office staff and getting lost in the post. Then main office was shut so they had no central records of what was going where.  I was  unable to get another copy  which I  needed to prove I was Steve's wife for other pensions and insurance  because the departments  of the records office that issues replacements was closed and  only birth and death certificates were being issued not marriage certificates.

All this meant that paying  bills and sorting out Steve's finances was horrendous. Steve had  previously managed all expenditure,  I'd never been involved and because he  became ill so suddenly and lost capacity so I couldn't  access his computer without his passwords, He'd decided years ago to be 'modern' and not receive paper bills meant there was no chance of me  knowing what we owed or needed to pay. Companies and organisations  had to be informed but were operating restricted services.  Their digital systems  could email Steve as much as they wanted but without me having to access to  his computer nothing could be received.  Data protection laws  stopped them talking to me about anything. Office staff were working from home so again unable to accept nor send any essential documentation to me.

Thankfully we'd sorted funeral arrangements in advance. Edd Frost our local funeral director dealt with  the funeral  professionally and very sensitively. Choosing just 30 people was  difficult but my family all live away. Hotels were closed so there was nowhere for them to stay anyway. This  was hard too as none of my extended family got to  visit Steve before he died nor could they come to his funeral afterwards.

Despite all these hurdles  we had the most beautiful meaningful funeral service,  it was live streamed so family and friends could see it online. The sad thing is we couldn't share our grief as we normally would. The absence of  hugs , holding hands and mixing of anyone present made it lonely. here was no wake afterwards. This wasn't what Steve planned and asked for and that's so disappointing. We were one of many families who obeyed harsh, unreasonable rules. 

PS Even  more unreasonable when months later it was publicised that the government staff  and departments who made the draconian  rules to be enforced  were not themselves compliant and kept themselves occupied having work parties etc,