6 months on - Living with Loss

 6 months ago, today my wonderful, kind funny Steve died. 

Here  I am in our lovely home. It's no longer the mini hospital it became while Steve was poorly. I'm slowly picking up the pieces. I have a job, an ok income, brilliant kids and the most delightful grandsons anyone could wish for. I have kind neighbours, caring friends some of whom call me daily and fantastic memories of a long happy marriage. 

That said: Can I ever be  happy again?  I don't think so. All I feel is a huge gaping hole once filled by Steve. I guess it doesn't mean my life wont ever be fulfilling and enjoyable but I've not worked out how. 

I'm alone but I'm  not lonely! I’m desperately sad but I'm not depressed! Steve would be pissed off if I wasn't missing him, so I'll accept the ups and downs on that basis. He would also be very cross with me if I didn't make some sort of effort to get back on track. For no other reason than not to be a burden or drain on the kids. Who gets joy seeing  a miserable mother ruminating and not coping?  Not our kids for sure.

 I so miss my fit and healthy Steve. He brushed my hair every night at bedtime, he put the straighteners through the back of my hair most mornings. He did up my necklaces and earrings as my fingernails were too long to do the fiddly ones  myself. I miss him saying how much he liked my red pointy nails when I had them done.  Steve zipped up my dresses and fastened my steel boned corsets I love to wear as tops.   He told me off most days for not parking the car straight and noticed every little dent or wheel scuff that mysteriously happened. He huffed and puffed when I bought home sparkly dust collecting ornaments. At bedtime he moaned about removing "the pointless cushions" I put on the the bed every day.  I miss him putting the correct rubbish bins out on the correct day; I miss him picking up the dog crap every morning: putting salt in the dishwasher and trying to fix anything that stops working - usually unsuccessfully but never mind. 

Steve bought me a pack of jellybeans every Tuesday and on his way home from work at 11pm on a Sunday night he always bought me a donor kebab.  He laughed loudly, he joked about anything and everything. He was very annoying even at age  60 he'd childishly creep up behind me and tip me into the freezer at the supermarket! I miss calling him when I get lost in the car, he always said just the right thing and stopped me panicking. I miss being told off for not looking where I'm going if I pop my car tyres in potholes! and being told off for blocking up the sink plughole with loose tea when I empty the teapot. We were a stroppy pair, we both had to have the last word and squabbled like kids about the most  ridiculous things.  Most of all I miss making up and laughing together  about us being annoyed with each other. We very happily annoyed each other for more than 40 years so were good at it. 

 I genuinely  miss my “Sick Steve” too. Sick Steve didn't  know us as time went on - but we  knew  and loved him.  I didn't realise until the 'after days' how exhausted I was from  him ringing the doorbell set to  play Ode To Joy. Rikki  fixed  the doorbell  button next  his bed downstairs and I had the speaker by my bed upstairs - He kept ringing it all bloody night long!  He wanted a drink; He spilled his drink; he wanted help to go to toilet, then needed another drink, then wanted  food, then lost  his glasses etc etc.   I him calling me to clear imaginary fish out of his bed night after night,  I miss trying to tidy the books printed on the wallpaper that he believed were real and untidy.  I miss him yelling out that the house was flooding because he could hear rain outside. I miss my  embarrassment when his 'filters' vanished and he was rude to people. such as a rather large diabetic nurse he told to **** off and concentrate on her own cake and sugar intake  – not his cos he was dying. 

 Steve couldn't walk as time went on but what he lacked in mobility he made up in smiles and frustration. He shouted and threw anything he couldn't operate like TV remote controls, phones, plates and cutlery. I became very good at ducking!  Every night we snuggled up together in the hospital bed he had downstairs for an hour to watch TV together . Occasionally he'd look startled as he had absolutely no idea who I was.  Twice he told me to get off his bed otherwise his wife would be cross!   He told his daytime  carers  "That night staff woman  is incompetent,  crap at care and even got in my bed to watch TV"  (That's  me 😊! ) It was comforting to some extent knowing that he didn’t know what he didn’t know! 

Sleep well Steve – no more pain my love,  I’m 100% content knowing that we did our best and we cherished every moment right till the end. You certainly chose the best ever team of people to look after you. Michaela heading up your care team ensuring Jade, Hanna, Charlene, Jo, and Michelle did everything exactly in the same way so you didn't get confused. Phil made you gadgets to use, Rikki looked after me and ensured everything got paid and Josh was a star helping with lifting, keeping you occupied and cheerful.  Alex, Harvey and Tom were always there for you too. You were never short of company, your colleagues from sanctuary and from SCAS ambulance service stuck by us throughout, helping me and making you smile. That meant so much to us all. I'm so pleased you had no fears and felt everything was normal. I was also well looked after . I now have whatever help I need and that's  exactly as you wanted to happen too. All is well but hell we miss you mate xx