10 Things I Didnt Consider About Being A Widow

When dealing with correspondence after Steve's death I was regularly asked "Are you Steve's wife"?  and of course I said YES

I was doing an online market research questionnaire a while later and the marital status box needed to be completed to move on. The questionnaire asked "Are you married?" My first thought was yes  ... then it dawned on me that I no longer have a husband  so I guess that's a No! 

I scrolled down to select: Single?  Divorced ? Married? Civil partnership?  Widow? - yep that's me ✅   

The next questions were about who makes the decisions with: food, shopping,  insurance, utilities, phones, holidays etc. It suddenly hit me  its all me and me alone making decisions about things I know absolutely nothing about. I don't feel  lonely but I really feel very  alone sometimes.  

I get paid to do surveys so I do as many as I can. Another survey arrived some weeks later now this one didn't include 'my' drop down option of being a widow. I was lost as the choice I had  was to be married/ single/divorced. I ticked married simply because I'm not divorced and I don't feel single for sure.

For me being a widow is a bit like peeling an onion - it's not the tears its the endless layers. I shed a layer and feel as if I'm back on track only to find another layer of difficulty.

The first hard layer was the impact of loss. I knew Steve was dying but I was surprised how much of a shock it was when he finally died. 

The second layer for me was the grief. It wasn't sadness it was physical pain my throat, chest and tummy. I couldn't think, eat, sleep or indeed function at all.

The next layer involved blaming everything and everyone for my miserableness for no good  reason at all. I even found myself getting angry about being angry.  I was upset with everything and everyone including myself and so it went on,  round and round in circles. 

 10 things I've learnt about being a widow:

1) Its shit - I've lost the man I love and depended on since i was 15, He's gone forever. The only thing I can do is get used to it.  I have no idea even how to get used to it  as Steve would have helped me get through this.

2) Some people don't know what to say when they meet you - I thought I was imagining it at first but it definitely happens!  Some friends looked completely  startled when I met them for the first time after Steve died. I now recognize its the facial expression people make when they have absolutely no idea what to say or what not to say. I'm used to these moments now, I break the ice by asking them how they are; listen then if they ask me back I just say I miss Steve loads so still love talking about him.  

3) Some people react in a strange way. A situation I had was :   Everyone had been  shut away for weeks due to lock-down.  I decided to walk the dogs.  I saw someone Steve and I often met when we walked the dogs. She asked me where Steve was?  I explained that sadly he died just before Christmas" - The lady looked at me totally startled. said "oh oh oh  I'm so sorry, so sorry" then promptly turned tail and ran away at top speed!   I've not seen her since I guess she has a new dog walk route. Another friend saw me for the first time in months at a distance,  She glanced up at me, looked awkward,  immediately started rummaging in her handbag and walked slap bang into a lamp post!  I helped her pick up the contents of her bag, we had a chat about  lamp posts,  I pretended I didn't see how it happened and didn't mention Steve.  I have seen her a few times since and we always talk about the lamp post and what I'm doing now. and that just fine!

An optimistic friend sent me a well meaning/ reassuring  text message a month after Steve died  saying he was so very sorry to hear about Steve but ( in his words) "I'm a fit bird so I'll soon get another husband to look after me"  I really don't think I'd say this to anyone but I suppose times have changed.  I get asked quite a lot if I've thought of "moving on" I guess its kindness so I always say something complementary to them and move on!

4) I mustn't  to look preoccupied when I feel miserable. Shortly after Steve died I  received a text from someone who asked if they'd upset me because I didn't look my usual smiley self.  I replied didn't feel smiley and no I wasn't upset with anyone. This message spurred me on to practice smiling and to remember to greet people politely no matter how glum I feel. 

5) I need to get stronger -  . I nearly flaked out in the car park of the pet shop trying to lift 2 x 16 kg of dog food into my car boot. Shop staff during the pandemic were banned from assisting customers for fear of transmitting germs. This  made me feel very weak, guilty and pathetic as an elderly man sprinted across the car park and hung his two walking sticks on my trolley to to help me. The pet food incident spurred me on to make an effort to get myself stronger. I've now found myself a fantastic PT called Connaugh. My aim is to get out of the house twice a week so I  can lift sacks of dog food with ease.

6) I'm appreciative of my friends -  I've had lots of advice! I've been told to get  out more,  stay in more,  rest more,  exercise more, go back to work full time, retire, go travelling, sell my home, not sell my home. The list goes on, each  recommendation is so valuable and keeps me thinking. They give me ideas to keep me going one way or another. I was  sent a dating app.by one very well meaning friend who thought I looked a bit lonely these days! err thanks but...I'm not ( Note point 4) It was great to have a laugh about it and bollock him.

7) I'm brave enough to do what I want to do  -  I love restaurants, holidays and  various events but the thought of not sharing any more nice times with Steve is daunting. Being obliged to attend something where I feel the need to put on a fake smile while trying not to cry is hard work. So I wont do anything or go anywhere I don't want to go to. I'm careful where I go and careful who I go with. I like being asked to go out  and sometimes say no thanks simply because  that week I'm struggling. I don't like faking being happy nor would  I enjoy being true to myself and going out looking like Mrs Glum. I keep it simple and go with my heart. 

8) I'll never be the same again - Steve remains part of me right now, he's in my heart and my every thought.  I'd love my old life back but know it's not possible, This isn't the retirement we planned. However I'm grateful for everything we had and everything we did. One day I'll wake up happy again I guess but it will need to be a different type of happy. I've no idea what my new happy might like yet. I'll wait and see. 

9) Life moves on. Steve's friends were Steve's  friends, many of them knew of me but I was Steve's wife. Some people we mixed with as a couple will I know disappear from my life forever simply because Steve's no longer here. It's inevitable, a bit like when you leave a job, you rarely see your ex-colleagues again.

10) Life changes - Most of all now I love seeing our son daughter and grandsons motivated happy and laughing. They've learned a lot from Steve's life, illness and death. I hope they've  learned not to ruminate, everything passes once you are ready to let it go, I want them to count their blessings and enjoy themselves and I feel the need to pass this message on leading by example, In the meantime I'll  put my trust in the universe. All will be well,