Seeing Through The Fog

I know its only been 15 months but I still wonder  how long will it take me to adjust and find life fulfilling again?  I've always been such a planner. I still worry about whats in store for me. I still miss being a wife.  I wasn't the best wife but i was keen to try, I was very  rebellious from the start. Steve knew  I was feisty when we met, he always laughed at my domestic attempts and disasters.  

I always knew where I was and what I wanted professionally and personally  So what now?  I  can either sit back and see what crops up or I plan how I'd like things to turn out.

Waiting to see what happens has never been my way. At age 12 I knew exactly what I wanted and spent hours working out how I might get there. I wanted to be an astronaut, walk on the moon,  get married to someone kind, have children, a nice house, dogs, a car then simply enjoy being a mum. I decided to become a teacher so I was off during school holidays. Once the kids were grown I wanted independence to do things that made me happy, my own  business and for  Steve and I to do all the things we loved doing together. 

So -  here I am age 63 having done most of  those things (apart from becoming an astronaut and walking on the moon) with Steve alongside me. Neither of us had any  regrets. We stuck together through rain and shine and certainly experienced had a fair amount of each.  We made mistakes and errors of judgement from time to time but ducked and dived through life so we both had a life we enjoyed. Humour, respect and forgiveness ensured we both achieved exactly what we set out to do and were never to proud to change course if needed.  

The only one thing we didn't plan was  what we'd each do if  either of us were left alone!  I suppose we assumed we'd be us forever!  Now the "we" is "me". The initial shock of losing my best mate and husband is fading but I lack direction.  I dont like feeling  lost or alone .  I know its down to me to fill the gaps. I need to  feel like I'm achieving something rather than coping and looking backwards at what life might have been.