The Present Is A Gift

Nothing stays the same forever. Three years ago I was up to my neck in grief, felt like I was swimming through treacle, devastated that Steve died. That wasn't on our plan for sure! We always assumed we’d get old together, get frustrated with each other, retire then end up doing ‘old people’ things like sitting in a garden centre cafe with cake not speaking, wandering around National Trust gardens, going on cruises, package tours or nice days out-  and  moaning! I'm sure we would have moaned simply because we'd suddenly have the time to notice that nothing's the same as it was before. Technological solutions would suddenly stop being exciting to us and start being difficult. Intolerance might have crept up until suddenly not a day would go by without someone or something getting on our nerves. We'd have ended up being NIMBY's not wanting new housing or roads because we didn't need them ourselves.  The self service that  makes things quicker might well have become difficult or annoying because we have time for things to be slower.  I'm sure Steve would have self- appointed himself to observe and oversee  the performance of bin men, postmen, road workers and other people in general. He would have become one of the old Mr Grumpy's that drove him crazy when he was aged 20-40.  I guess having more time to notice things results in daily annoyance. New solutions designed for current problems for non retired people would seem pointless and annoying. 

I was scared and convinced I’d never be truly happy again. I anticipated the fear, sadness, empty feelings  would last  forever and nothing would ever be the same. That's true of course! The past can't ever be the same as the future but thats ok. 

The joy and preciousness of our memories are irreplaceable, it's reassuring memories won't be changing or replaced. The worst case scenario is that they will be forgotten and that's ok as they won't be memories anymore. Steve forgot everything including us. Tragic as that was for us it didn't trouble him. The simple fact is he didn't know what he didn't know so as long as people were around, he was clean, dry, fed, free of pain and had help doing whatever he enjoyed he was extremely settled and content. Keeping poorly Steve content was incredibly rewarding.  My sadness about losing the husband that knew me long before he died  and the hopelessness of the situation not being fixed  has diminished with time. I now get much pleasure capturing memories of the past and making photo-books.  

This year I’ve experienced so many different things. I've also had messages from other people who are losing or have lost someone special asking, how to stay positive?  I don't know,  because I don’t always stay positive! Sometimes I need time out. For me time out is an important part of adjusting to my new and different life. If I'm struggling I indulge myself in a few days of misery. I lock the doors, switch off my phone and stay in my room and cry if I want to!  I make no effort to cheer up, I just patiently wait and it passes. I don't cook or wash up. Just Eat delivers my dinner, I enjoy my gin and tonics, eat ice cream and Jelly Beans I only go out to feed the dogs. I soon get bored, feel sorry for the dogs so take them on a walk. I look in the mirror give myself a good talking to as there are plenty of people in the world who only dream of living in peace. I make the effort to scrub up, I go for a run, do a workout in the gym, pamper myself in the spa or sing.  I then go out into the garden pick up the dog crap that has accumulated, tell a person who makes me smile what I plan to do,  make myself colourful meals and puddings to get my eating back on track and gradually everything falls back into place. Once I'm feeling a bit more positive I catch up and chat with my children and grandkids. By focussing on my plans I find sadness slips away when I'm not looking. Ruminating and discussing the past or  going over things that cant be changed never serves me well. For me The Present is a gift that keeps on giving. I can choose to hold on to good experiences and let things that upset or annoy me go.